Live blog, El Clásico: Barcelona and Real Madrid at the edge of the soccer world

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Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20155:52 pm

Thing we learned today, but really just serves as confirmation because we already suspected it:

– Barcelona are the best team in the world.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20155:52 pm

ITS OVER AND BARCELONA WIN!

2-1 to Barcelona in a match that should have been 4-1 or 5-1. They absolutely crushed Real Madrid.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20155:51 pm

Luis Suarez and Rafinha are taking turns turning odd-numbered attacks into turnovers without making Real Madrid do anything. It’s pretty impressive.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20155:48 pm

Just some has-been, never-was.

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20155:48 pm

Who is Ronaldo?

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20155:48 pm

Those of you watching MLS instead of El Clasico, you just saw three Red Bulls players fall on top of each other.

Basically the same thing as Barcelona/Real Madrid.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20155:46 pm

Barcelona have beaten the piss out of Real Madrid. This isn’t even close, except on the scoreboard. But there’s no doubt who is better.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20155:42 pm

Did Ronaldo, Benzema and Bale leave the pitch? Haven’t seen them in a while.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20155:38 pm

Xavi is on for Iniesta. This is about to be a 5-yard pass fest.

The bus done parked.

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20155:37 pm

On one hand, Bravo with a terrific save on Benzema’s curling shot. On the other hand, how dare you save one of Benzema’s shots?

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20155:36 pm

Messi keeps putting the ball on his right foot. When will he get a left foot and become a good, well-rounded player?

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20155:34 pm

Barcelona are subbing Rakitic off for Busquets.

This is their version of parking the bus. Jose Mourinho thinks that is a puny bus.

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20155:34 pm

To escape more yellows, players are acting like other famous people. It’s getting crazy out there.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20155:32 pm

Lionel Messi gets free and has room to shoot from 20 yards, but misses the net. Washed up.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20155:31 pm

We’re up to 11 cards. Half of the players on the pitch have been cautioned.

Clasico! Clasico! Clasico!

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20155:25 pm

He should red card his own anus.

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20155:25 pm

This game is turning into a game where it’s almost certain that Mascherano will get a red card. But I love Javier playing on the edge.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20155:22 pm

Sometimes I think we forget that Javier Mascherano once tore his anus in a match so he’s tougher than all of us and pretty much indestructible.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20155:19 pm

Who says Route 1 soccer can’t be beautiful?

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20155:18 pm

It was divine. He deserves to bite a few more people.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20155:17 pm

All deserved hatred aside, that first touch by Suarez to bring the ball down was a work of art. JFC.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20155:15 pm

suarez scores.

no caps here because that is an affront to justice, but it is 2-1 to barcelona.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20155:13 pm

I can’t wait until Iniesta has gone completely bald, except for that one tuft of hair on the top of his head.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20155:10 pm

Maybe not. Neymar is The Karate Kid.

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20155:09 pm

Carvajal just got handled by Neymar, left for dead. That has to hurt the ol’ self esteem.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20155:05 pm

“Gareth Bale almost scored” will be the title of this season’s Real Madrid DVD

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20154:58 pm

This is a stats-free zone.

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20154:58 pm

No thanks.

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20154:52 pm

Clasicos always go by way too damn fast. It’s like they don’t even happen. Thankfully, there are 20-30 of them every year.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20154:49 pm

It’s halftime, even though it feels like the match started about five minutes ago. That half FLEW by.

1-1 at the break, Ronaldo, Modric and Benzy are gods.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20154:47 pm

I think Gareth Bale is the greatest troll on Earth and has made Real Madrid fans his target.

Cruel, but amazing.

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20154:46 pm

Real Madrid can go public after this, though. Marcelo forever.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20154:42 pm

How do Barcelona even go out in public after this?

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20154:39 pm

Understandable.

1001… #BENZO

A photo posted by Karim Benzema (@karimbenzema) on

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20154:38 pm

The first pass by Modric is beautiful and it’s completely overlooked because Benzy made magic happen.

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20154:37 pm

That assist …

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20154:37 pm

NSFW

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20154:34 pm

RONALDO SCORES!!!!!

Perfect counterattack that is capped by a great Modric ball, Benzema backheel and Ronaldo finish. SO. DAMN. GOOD.

This match is sex.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20154:33 pm

Who’s taking over as the beIN analyst after Ray Hudson has an aneurysm in the booth. Me or you?

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20154:31 pm

Ramos got beat for a goal, Pepe got a card and Suarez just put his studs in Pepe’s calf. This is beautiful.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20154:29 pm

We’re a 40-yard Ronaldo shot away from Ferguson throwing a shoe at him.

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20154:28 pm

Cristiano with a few juggles on the far sideline. My thoughts:

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20154:24 pm

Party on, Barca.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20154:24 pm

Pepe with a yellow card.

EVERYTHING IS GOING PERFECTLY IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20154:22 pm

MATHIEUUUUU SCOREEEESSSS!

Wow, phenomenal header to score off the set piece. Most importantly, Sergio Ramos got beat on that so we can all enjoy it.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20154:21 pm

Young Cristiano would have taken his shirt off in celebraton before he even shot it.

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20154:21 pm

Ditto from the earlier Cristiano chance off the crossbar. Young Cristiano would’ve finished that.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20154:20 pm

Neymar plays a perfect ball to Messi, who misses.

The old, not-washed up Messi scores that. Neymar is showing us what Messi used to be.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20154:14 pm

Hey, remember when Real Madrid had a tough choice between Benzema and Higuain?

I think they made the right choice.

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20154:13 pm

Game summary: Real Madrid’s Carlo Ancelotti needs more fiber.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20154:10 pm

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20154:07 pm

Tactically, this is a bit naive from Barcelona. Iniesta needs to be on the field and not laying down. Sadly, this was a result of being stepped on by Carvajal. Things will get better.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20154:07 pm

Suarez and Ramos fight for the ball. Can the ball be filled with fireworks that burns them both?

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20154:03 pm

How good would El Clasico be if all of these poor shooting, poor decision-making, possibly drunk American basketball players in the NCAA Tournament were Spanish and played for Real Madrid and Barcelona?

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20154:03 pm

We can root for chaos, a few red cards, and the fall of Cristiano and Messi.

We can also root for beauty.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20154:01 pm

Neither Barcelona nor Real Madrid have a mascot. Can we really root for either?

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20154:00 pm

Atmosphere out there at Camp Nou:

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20153:57 pm

#sports

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20153:57 pm

He once dated Anna Kournikova. That makes him sports.

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20153:54 pm

Time to cancel the Clasico. We’ve reached breaking point.

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20153:53 pm

People are not feeling Neymar’s haircut:

https://twitter.com/mpacific/status/579731820662513664

But other things, they like:

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20153:52 pm

Let us consider some other stats:

Cristiano Ronaldo – +100 washed ups
Lionel Messi – +100 washed ups

Numbers don’t lie.

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20153:51 pm

My predictions:

1. Sergio Ramos will smack someone.
2. Luis Suarez will act as if he didn’t do something.
3 Neymar will never apologize for his hair, as he shouldn’t

4. Steven Gerrard Pique will try to get sent off.
5. Cristiano Ronaldo will take his shirt off.
6. Pep Guardiola will take over from Luis Enrique and put on Xavi. Because nostalgia.
7. Javier Mascherano will channel his World Cup and almost rip his anus trying hard.

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20153:46 pm

People like stats, right? Some people, at least. Here are the ones people will probably want to contemplate, even though they have no bearing on what’s going to happen today. This is for the people.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20153:45 pm

Bruno Mars looks like he’s dressing up as Bruno Mars for a costume party.

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20153:41 pm

Neymar looks like he’s dressing up as Bruno Mars for a costume party.

Miriti Murungi March 22, 20153:41 pm

beIN had Chad Ochocinco-Johnson on the pregame to day. He was discussing things but I wasn’t really listening.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20153:37 pm

We need to stop letting players dress themselves.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20153:36 pm

Thing to watch for today: Ronaldo and Messi are only about 50x better than the rest of the world now, not 100x like before.

Translation: Ronaldo and Messi are washed up.

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20153:35 pm

Real Madrid still doesn’t have a defensive midfielder and James is still hurt. Oh, and Iker Casillas is still their goalkeeper. Oops.

Positives: Ronaldo and Bale (yeah, he’s still good).

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20153:33 pm

Sergio Busquets has been cleared to play today, but he’s only on the bench. That means Javier Mascherano in the midfield (swoon).

Ryan Rosenblatt March 22, 20153:33 pm

It’s the biggest match on Earth. It’s Ronaldo vs. Messi. It’s a narrative fest.

It’s El Clasico.

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