Sepp Blatter is talking tough on racism for the 54 African nations who will vote for him

“President for Life” Sepp Blatter has had it up to here and he’s not going to take it anymore. ‘

Speaking at the Confederation of African Football (CAF) congress in Cairo on Tuesday, Blatter said, “We have to use our rules to suspend teams, to take away their points or even to relegate them if racism continues.”

You see, Sepp Blatter deplores racism, especially when he’s talking to Africans. Blatter loves, loves, loves telling Africans how awful racism is — It’s so terrible, guys! — especially when he’s running for re-election. He also wants you to forget that he tried to solve racism with handshakes in 2011, because that’s not something someone who takes racism seriously does or says when in front of a microphone or actual other human beings.

But now, he wants you to know that there will be consequences “if racism continues.” He’s serious. He wants you to know that he means business and he’s also probably wagging his finger while talking. But here’s the thing: “if racism continues” is an amazingly and hilariously obtuse condition, because if anything has been clear as day from the time “President for Life” first sat on his throne and stroked his bald cat back in 1998, it’s that racism will absolutely, definitely continue, and that Blatter will continue to speak in platitudes about the awfulness that is racism without ever doing anything meaningful or timely about it.

By the time anything of substance happens, decades after things should have been addressed, Blatter will still be FIFA president, and he’ll take all the credit and name the ridiculously opulent FIFA boardroom after himself for having used soccer to cure racism. He’ll hang a picture of himself over the throne, above a picture of Nelson Mandela, because Sepp Blatter is an utterly ridiculous human being.

In another bit of news, every single one of Africa’s 54 nations will be voting for Blatter in next month’s FIFA presidential elections. It’s an amazing coincidence. What are the odds of Blatter’s doing his whole “racism is bad” thing during CAF congress week, right?

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