Fact: You are a lackluster employee. How am I so certain of this? Because you’re reading this right now, in the middle of the day, when there are earth-shatteringly important expense reports or whatever that need to be filled out. On the bright side, no matter how detrimental you may be to the success of your team at work, you will probably never perform as poorly at your job as David Luiz performed at his yesterday.
In the first leg of Paris Saint-Germain’s Champions League battle with Barcelona, David Luiz was put in the unenviable position of coming in as an emergency substitute – 10 days after a hamstring injury – to defend the most fearsome attack on the planet. Maybe even on other planets. Apex predator Luis Suárez spotted his wounded prey and pounced on a limping Luiz in ways usually reserved for programming on late night premium cable. Both of his goals came at the expense of Sideshow David and his dignity.
If an opponent – especially Luis Suárez – nutmegs you twice on the way to goal, you are left with very few realistic options:
- Get on the public address system at your stadium and apologize to your fans, family, and every coach you’ve ever had.
- Grab a mirror, look deeply into your reflection’s eyes and berate yourself until you understand just how worthless you are
- Offer your first-born child to the person who nutmegged you (twice) as a sacrifice to beg them not to punish you further
- Lash out in violence and spitefully injure your opponent
The most unacceptable outcome to being publicly assaulted by one of the most loathsome players on the planet is to have your mother stick up for you – on Instagram. As unthinkable as that may be, this is the exact depth to which David Luiz’s career has plummeted in the past 24 hours. His mom, Regina Célia, hopped on the ‘Gram to throw a positive spin on the memes circulating about her son.
“I have a son and I always will! His head held high, with a ball at his feet. God knows everything! Jesus is fighting for us until this day and yet we still have people who judge! Who are we to judge you! I will always love you after the good games, and even more after those that don’t go well!”
Imagine being at such a bad place professionally that your mother had to call on Jesus himself to lead you to salvation. David Luiz might have to retire now.
“My warrior, the criticism comes even when it is right . What matters is not what they say or do not speak , what matters is that those who admire you, those who cheer for you know that you gave your best. Hits and misses life is composed of it.”
Sure, it’s great to have a ride or die mom, but not like this. It’s every child’s obligation to ensure that their parents are never on social media, and this is exactly why. This kind of public support is more damaging than any awkward middle school class photo could ever be. Now, David Luiz is left with no choice but to leave Paris, move out to the woods (maybe Zlatan’s fishing cabin) and meditate for the rest of his life. He can’t play soccer any more.