Emmanuel Frimpong celebrates goal by grabbing his teammate’s balls

Be honest. How many mornings have you woken up, hoping to be felt up by Emmanuel Frimpong? Your alarm clock rudely interrupting your sexy, sexy dreams of being called a disappointment by Arsène Wenger. None? That’s never happened? You’re saying the former vaguely Arsenal midfielder doesn’t meet your sensual needs? Ok, fine.

What about something more clinical? How many times have you wished that when you went to your doctor’s office for a physical or whatever, it was Emmanuel Frimpong who was there to administer your hernia test or check you thoroughly for testicular cancer? Never, again? Either scenario sounds horrifying, you say?

Well then, perhaps you can offer up a bit of sympathy for Frimpong’s FC Ufa teammate Ivan Paurević. Yes, “FC Ufa” – it’s Russian. Paurević made the grave mistake of scoring a goal for Ufa against Lokomotiv Moscow while Frimpong was within sight. His reward: his nuts firmly in Frimpong’s grasp as if Paurević’s shorts contained a golden ticket back to the Premier League.

Gross, bro.

This is why companies have Human Resources departments. Frimpong should have to watch a harassment video (preferably on VHS) and sit through an awkward seminar about appropriateness. It’s a wonder he wasn’t kicked in the chest. Then again, Paurević didn’t even flinch. Maybe his package being in Frimpong’s possession was just some everyday shit, like “Hey, that’s just Frimps being Frimps”. There’s definitely some larger “club culture” thing at play here that UEFA might need to investigate.

To put this all over the top, Frimpong actually retweeted a Vine of his plum-smuggling, so he has no shame. On Monday he posted a photo of a newspaper headline from last season when his teammates at Burnley pranked him into sending nudes to someone who he thought was some hot fan. I don’t know what’s going on with Emmanuel Frimpong, but he needs counseling.

NOW

Strange Medicine

Sat, Oct 21, 2017 - 6:00 am

TONIGHT

8:00 pm

Crazy/Beautiful

10:30 pm

Sex.Right.Now.

11:00 pm

Original Sin: Sex

WHERE TO WATCH