Here are the ages of a bunch of soccer players as guessed by how-old.net

There’s a new internet fun time trendy thing happening, and we want in on the laughs. It’s important that we appear to be hip and have a finger on the pulse of what all the kids are doing these days. So we ran the photos of a bunch of players with questionably-listed ages though the newly popular how-old.net age-identifying software application.

Let’s see what science has to say.

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You knew Freddy Adu was coming first on this list. Whoever runs how-old.net has no heart. Freddy was no older than 15 when this photo was taken. Even worse, it didn’t even recognize Pele’s face, presumably because it thinks he’s already dead. This is off to a bad start.

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This is a damn lie. He’s officially listed at 26, but everyone knows that Diego Costa 63. This is match-fixing.

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The stress of being 1-2-4 isn’t doing much good for Michael Bradley’s (28) health. This would have said 24 if he had stayed at Roma.

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That’s right! Black don’t crack!

This application may be a complete sham and government-funded data-mining operation but at least it respects legends. Samuel Eto’o (34) and Didier Drogba (37) deserve this kind of heroic recognition.

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Red wine is supposed to be healthy for you and slow down the aging process. It’s got all those antioxidants to block your free radicals and whatnot. I don’t know what that means. Maybe Andrea Pirlo (35) is supposed to keep it down to one glass a day.

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Nice score for the 38-year-old Francesco Totti. But even at an imagined 33, he’s too old for this selfie.

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Well, shit. Hopefully Real Madrid kept the receipt for the so-called best “youth” player in the world. Martin Ødegaard is allegedly only 16.

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Hurry on down to your local LA Galaxy or New York City FC box office and get your tickets to see MLS’s hot new young stars, Steven Gerrard (34) and Frank Lampard (36)! This thing could have crept into the 60s if it included pictures of their knees.

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Finally, in the interest of fairness, let’s turn this heart-breaking web machine internally and see how our own intrepid hosts, Simon Carr and Nando Vila, made out on how-old.net. I won’t reveal their real ages because I don’t want to be fired. Safe to say, neither one of them will be happy if they ever read this.

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