Antonio Cassano on why he won’t join Juventus: “It’s a beautiful pussy, but it doesn’t get me horny”

For a guy who claims to have never read a book, Antonio Cassano has a way with words.

The 32-year-old striker has been without a club since January. So, in his free time, he went on an Italian TV show called Tiki-Taka. He said lots of things, which you can listen to if you understand Italian. But the funniest was about Juventus.

“I’ve turned down Juve four times,” he said. “It’s a beautiful pussy, but it doesn’t get me horny.”

Juve’s nickname is La Vecchia Signora (The Old Lady) or La Fidanzata d’Italia (The Girlfriend of Italy).

Here’s an English translation of some of his comments, with the pussy line censored out.

These are the four times Juventus approached Cassano, according to Cassano:

  1. When he went to Roma in 2001. Cassano was 19. He was tearing up the Serie A with Bari, his hometown club. His nickname is still Il Gioiello di Bari Vecchia (“the jewel of Old Bari”). Cassano’s quip: “Moggi is still waiting.” (Luciano Moggi was the cigar-smoking managing director of Juventus who dominated Italian soccer, perhaps illegally.)
  2. When Juventus got relegated due to match-fixing. This was in 2006.
  3. When Juventus returned to the top division, in 2007.
  4. This January, when Juve sold Sebastian Giovinco to Toronto FC. “I would have gone, then I don’t know what happened,” Cassano said. (Juventus signed Alessandro Matri on loan from Milan instead.)

Then Cassano complained about how players on Juventus are mostly “little soldiers” who “run up and down on a single track.” As Cassano put it, he wouldn’t fit because, “I change direction every two or three days.”

ROME - APRIL 25:  Antonio Cassano of Sampdoria celebrates the victory after the Serie A match between AS Roma and UC Sampdoria  at Stadio Olimpico on April 25, 2010 in Rome, Italy.  (Photo by Giuseppe Bellini/Getty Images)Getty Images

Antonio Cassano of Sampdoria celebrates in his tighty whities after the victory after beating former club AS Roma in the Serie A at Stadio Olimpico on April 25, 2010 in Rome, Italy. (Photo by Giuseppe Bellini/Getty Images)

That’s, uh, one way to put it.

Let’s look at some of those changes in direction:

  • One of his first goals, a handful of games into his pro career, came against Inter. He casually trapped a 50 yard ball with the outside of his foot while running at full speed, headed the ball forward, and then scored the winner with like three minutes left in the game. He was 17.

  • After joining Roma as the most expensive teenager at the time (he cost 60 billion Italian lira, or about $34 million), his new coach Fabio Capello dubbed him Cassanata (Cassano-ism). It was not a flattering nickname.
  • He used to get arrested repeatedly for driving his motorcycle without a license.
  • Italy’s Under-21 coach Claudio Gentile left Cassano off a roster in 2001 and had to be rescued from a restaurant by police after being mobbed by angry fans.
  • Cassano claimed to have had sex with between 600 and 700 women by the time he was 26.
  • During his time at Real Madrid, he had a deal with a bellhop at a hotel. The bellhop would bring girls up to his room, then, once Cassano was done with them, the bellhop would bring up pastries and lead the girls out. “Sex plus food, the perfect night,” Cassano said in his first autobiography, Vi Dico Tutto (I’ll Tell You Everyting).
  • In his second autobiography, Cassano jokes he’s the first person to have written more books than he’s read.
  • He flat-out admits to only giving about 50 percent effort at Real Madrid.
  • Back in Italy, with Sampdoria, he beat Roma in the league in 2010 and tore off all his clothes except for his tighty whities. (See the picture above.) Allegedly, his go-to move with coaches who were pissing him off was to rip off his shirt and challenge to coach to do it himself, if he knew so much.
  • In 2011 he had heart surgery to fix a small hole in his heart, which caused a stroke during which he couldn’t talk or stand still.
  • At the time he was on AC Milan. This was my favorite Cassano era (though he was undoubtedly better at Roma). He was the last addition to an already impressive team and he was so damn lazy. He’d just scoop the ball over people and hit insane diagonal balls instead of running anywhere. It was extravagant luxury, and it worked. He provided three assists in his first two sub appearances. Milan won the title a few months after he joined.

Anyway, because of all these reasons and more, Cassano is my favorite player. Ever.

His career is a testament to unfulfilled potential. He’s probably the most naturally gifted player I’ve seen this side of Lionel Messi, and he didn’t give a fuck. Not one single one. He binge ate his way through his prime, threw enough hissy fits to alienate every single person who tried to help him, and won practically nothing.

In 2014, he made his World Cup debut off the bench against Costa Rica. He was 31. He had a stitched hole in his heart, his body was stocky and flabby, and he didn’t score or do much of anything. Italy meekly bowed out. Despite being the best Italian player for a decade, this was his first shot at a World Cup. Previous coaches worried he was too volatile or lazy or stupid to call up. It’s hard to imagine here, but these were major controversies in Italy, prompting plenty of hand-wringing and self-righteous newspaper columns.

So after waiting his whole career, Cassano finally gets to a World Cup, his main career goal … and he was too old and fat to take advantage.

Now 32, Cassano hasn’t had a club for four months. His career is essentially over. And he can still make me laugh with a crude turn of phrase.

I wish I were talented enough to never try, fail at every job I get, and still end up a world-famous multi-millionaire.

BOLOGNA, ITALY - APRIL 13:  Antonio Cassano of Parma FC laughs before the Serie A match between Bologna FC and Parma FC at Stadio Renato Dall'Ara on April 13, 2014 in Bologna, Italy.  (Photo by Marco Luzzani/Getty Images)Getty Images

BOLOGNA, ITALY - APRIL 13: Antonio Cassano of Parma FC laughs at your life and salary. (Photo by Marco Luzzani/Getty Images)

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