Five tips for everyone aspiring to Kim Kardashian’s new next-level blonde

Sure, so Twitter made “Draco Malfoy” trend for a minute when everyone had to throw in their two cents about Kim Kardashian’s new look, as unveiled at the Balmain show at Paris Fashion Week.

getty_kim_k_kanye_blonde

But sorry, it’s fire — or at least, well, memorable. Never forget that Kim’s style once could be kindly described as “mall basic” – you’ve got to hand it to her for at least trying. (Also newly-blonde: Jared Leto.)

So, from another faking-the-funk platinum blonde with a penchant for upscale-goth attire, I say, welcome to the club, Kim! It’s a brand new world of upkeep, fun, and attention – I know, even beyond and different from all to which you’re already accustomed.

If you’re reading this and you’re not actually Kim (likely), you may be tempted by the call of the platinum siren herself. (I know, she’s so loud and tempting!) So if you’re thinking of giving in, here are some handy tips for your new life. I’m typing this, in fact, as I count down the hours to my roots-touch-up appointment, which brings me to my first point…

1. It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Dolly Parton said it best – but platinum is really all about the upkeep. You’re looking at a double process and, probably, regular moisture/texture treatments, because there’s no getting around the built-in frying that comes with it.

You also have to do this pretty often. Let your roots grow out too much, and the heat from your scalp will make the newest regrowth bleach out before the hair just above it, leading to bands of varying orangey and/or yellow colors. Not fun.

And no, you can’t do it yourself unless you’re actually an expert (in which case you’re not reading this). If you accidentally overlap bleach on an already-bleached piece of hair, bye-bye, beloved strands.

2. You can, however, do moisture treatments at home.

You should probably do these a lot. You can buy fancy products from your stylist and help her commission, or you can use something like the classic, cheapo Alberto VO5 hot oil treatment. (Whatever drug-store olive oil shampoos you can find are helpful too.) Either/or. If you’re like me and Kim and bleaching your hair up from a naturally dark color, you are seriously going to be looking at so much damage that you’re signing up to leave-in condition every time you wash.

3. Know and love blue and/or purple shampoo.

No matter how perfectly ash-blonde/platinum/just shy of gray you get your original ‘do, if you shower under hard water, it’s gonna turn yellow-ish over time. Go to your local beauty supply place and ask about blue- and purple-tinged shampoos that combat the brassiness. Just don’t use them too often, because you can actually turn your expensive dye job light blue. Platinum perfection is all about balance.

4. You really have to blend that foundation, Kim (and everyone else).

Kim, we know that you love Joe Blasco foundation for everyday use, which is kind of amazing and honest, considering it is basically theatrical makeup. I love a good cake-face/makeup force field too. When you have a super-dramatic and unnatural hair color like platinum blonde – and then you push back your hair – every harsh line shows up. You’ve got to blend, or grow bangs.

5. The cat calls you get will change dramatically.

You will learn, apparently, that not only are you “blondie,” but any other range of celebrities and personalities, regardless of your race, gender, or ethnicity. Meghan Trainor? Madonna? Blac Chyna? These are all your new possible lookalikes, in strangers’ eyes, in the wacky world of platinum blonde-ness. Enjoy!

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