Platypuses, ostriches, and a Ringo Starr cover band: the things Mario Balotelli will (probably not) get up to at Liverpool

We busted out the ole Windex, scrubbed the Soccer Gods crystal ball clean, and asked it how Mario Balotelli will turn out at Liverpool. Here’s what it said:

On Aug. 31 he’ll make his debut against Tottenham. After missing a penalty, he’ll score the winner in injury time, and get sent off for kissing the referee as a celebration.

By October and November, a good run of form will see him score six goals in five games after he adopts a pet platypus. The platypus will mysteriously disappear days before the game against Chelsea on Nov. 8. Jose Mourinho will deny all accusations, but his only alibi is that he was chatting with Iker Casillas on the phone.

For Christmas, Balotelli will free all the animals from the Chester zoo and release them in a children’s hospital. As the hospital staff go about catching all the lions and ostriches, Balotelli will slip away. Later, a sea lion will show up at Melwood, and no one will know how it got there, although the zoo will seem to have accidentally misplaced one.

In February, Balotelli will start a cover band of Ringo Starr’s solo material. It will outsell Ringo Starr’s solo material.

Come the end of the season in May, Balotelli will finish the season with 18 goals in all competitions, 3 reds, a dozen yellow cards, and 5 games missed after he accidentally cuts off half his thumb in a misguided game of five finger fillet. When asked to sum up Balotelli’s impact, Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers will say, “well, it was either that or buy Shane Long, so …”

In January 2016, Balotelli will be sold to Napoli for a small loss after scoring only two goals in the new season and making inappropriate advances on John W. Henry’s wife, Linda. And that’s everything of note that will happen in Balotelli’s 18 month stint at Liverpool.

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