If you don't want to see Ronaldinho passed out in the Belaggio's fountain, you're bad at soccer fandom

News of Las Vegas leaping its latest (but certainly, not last) hurdle to a new soccer stadium has outlets taking another look at a potential Major League Soccer oasis.

We’re certainly not immune. As nice as Miami might be, there’s something magical about a town that’s earned such an infamous moniker. “Sin City” may have it’s drawbacks as a soccer destination (running six miles in 100-degree temperatures is sub-optimal), but as a social experiment for soccer’s more eccentric talents? Might as well cancel Big Brother.

Consider:

Mario Balotelli – Give us this one. It’s obvious, but it’s also too good to ignore. What could Mario Balotelli do at the Belaggio? The MGM Grand? Circus Circus! Las Vegas is the only town that can appreciate a man with fireworks in his bathtub.

Philipp LahmA small muscle in his opponents’ neck quivers with pre-flop remorse. It was his tell, the one Philipp has sought all night. The hand over. ‘You should fold now, Mr. Ivey. You don’t know who you’re playing.’ He wasn’t goading. It was a trap, one meant to play into the whale’s ego. Once Ivey pushed, Lahm’s snapped his cards like a trap. ‘Straight flush, I believe is your term.’

Conor Casey – Speaking of Circus Circus, nothing says security guard at the end of the strip like a mid-30s middle linebacker with a neck bigger than the crown of his head. Is that shine coming off his perfectly shorn scalp, or is that the chrome plating on his 10th anniversary revolver? Stare any longer, and you’ll find out.

Herculez Gomez – If there’s an Ocean’s 14, George Clooney can stay on his honeymoon. We’ve got the new Danny Ocean. Put Gomez in Vegas, and the man will have the town on a wire before the season’s out. A 86th minute goal one night. A liaison with the Wynn’s art director on the next. This is your transition into retirement, Herc. We’re looking forward to it.

Ronaldinho – “Buffets, and you can pay in cash? Obrigado!” *sends out invitations for Dinho’s Sexy Party*

Sacramento? Minnesota? Maybe even Austin? Yeah, I guess. Those cities have their virtues, but none provide the proper platform to host Mario Balotelli trying to climb a sheet of glass to get to some white tigers. Or Ronaldinho passed out on his back in the middle of the Bellagio fountain.

NOW

Laughs

Fri, Nov 24, 2017 - 6:00 am

NEXT

Laughs

TONIGHT

10:00 pm

Doubt

WHERE TO WATCH