Hernanes did a backflip to celebrate ruining our narrative

Apparently Inter Milan and Napoli don’t read this website. A perfectly good “Who’s getting fired first” narrative was being established, but in order for that to play out, one of these teams needed to have the common decency to actually win Sunday’s game. Instead, what we got was a 2-2 draw.

Admittedly, when Rafa Benítez is a main protagonist, we should know that a draw’s a distinct possibility. Our bad, y’all.

In some ways, Inter vs. Napoli was like match from earlier in the day, QPR vs. Liverpool, in that it was dull most of the way. Then both teams realized there were people watching and decided to wake up …

… except Inter-Napoli was much worse. It was painful. Bad play, bad fouls, lots of yelling about nothing in particular – basically everything that’s turned people off to Italian soccer in the past few years.

Then that alarm went off. After 79 minutes of fans across the globe questioning their life choices, José Callejón broke through. It felt like it would be the last goal, maybe ever.

Just as I was dealing with my changed world, Freddy Guarín equalized within three minutes, establishing a goals-in-pairs pattern that would continue.

Benítez and Walter Mazzarri’s heart monitors had to be singing lovely tunes. There they were on the sidelines, going back and forth between celebrating, half-celebrating, and wondering if Monster.com was a viable employment resource. Stressful stuff, for sure.

Then the whole scenario played itself out again. Callejón was back with a goal to put Napoli up 2-1 at the death-that-was-not-the-death 90th minute.

Finally, to fulfill destiny (and ruin Tom Dart’s perfectly good article), Inter Milan dragged us back to square one with Hernanes’s tremendous 91st minute back flip, one that was preceded by a goal of some sort.

The lesson here, kids, is to never depend on Italian soccer. Or Rafa Benítez. For anything.

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