Liverpool’s holiday gift guide has some decent stuff

It’s Christmas time in Hollis, Queens and Liverpool, Merseyside. Time to spend that holiday bonus like it was a tax refund and ball out on stuff you don’t really need. Maybe pick up something for a loved one or whatever. If you have time. No pressure. Do you, son.

To help your cause, Liverpool has released its own gift guide full of club-themed items to help you and your family forget about Europa League. Let’s take a look at the best ideas that are sure to keep your days merry (until you find out Daniel Sturridge has re-injured himself in training again).

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A smart gift for caring dads. Liverpool’s season began as a dance in the warm glow of last year’s second place finish and the sizzling prospects of Champions League glory. Now your fingers are crossed for a top 10 finish as you search the cable guide to figure out how to watch your club play some eastern European teams you’ve never heard of.

Cold nights are ahead. Gather your sons (and anti-conformist daughters), keep them warm with this boys quilted cord jacket, hot cocoa and stories of days gone by. Tell them of a young Steven Gerrard and the miracle of the 2013-14 team that had legitimate scoring threats. Keep the spirit of the season alive.

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This is brilliant. A shirt designed specifically for Liverpool fans to sweat in during games against Everton.

Lots of market research went into this. Even more science. Each thread is pH-balanced to recognize the specific perspiration that happens with each Tim Howard save. In certain cases, depending on biochemistry, this derby sweat shirt is also wearable in games against Manchester United. Designed with a specific purpose, the fabric disintegrates when it comes into contact with general flop sweat.

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The January transfer window is approaching, and some Liverpool players are sure to have some travel plans. If you’re a Reds fan, there are probably a few guys that you’d drive to the airport yourself if it meant they weren’t coming back. Buy this handy canvas holdall for Simon Mignolet. Go to his house, help him hastily shove everything he owns into it and kindly suggest he get out of Merseyside forever. Make your holiday wishes come true.

Maybe you want to be more charitable. Real Madrid’s probably been looking Raheem Sterling’s way for a while. Perhaps, in a spirit of holiday mercy and benevolence, you want to set him free from a life of underachievement and unfulfilled potential. Get him a travel bag and encourage him to go to La Liga. Let him know you care.

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The top gift on Liverpool’s holiday guide is this blatant attempt to lure Pep Guardiola away from Bayern Munich. We already know that Pep is bored with success in Germany. He’s been dressing like a soccer blogger. There’s a chance seeing his signature shirt style emblazoned with the proud Liver Bird could remind him of why he once loved the game. A reconstruction project like Liverpool would make Guardiola’s sad and uninspired heart grow three sizes.

Have hope, Liverpool fans. With these gifts, even you can bring tidings of comfort and joy to your fellow weary supporters. The only thing that could have made this gift guide better is an oversized Brendan Rodgers monogramed silverware set.

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