It was either raining, hailing, snowing, or sunny. The conditions were intolerable or perfect, which are the perfect conditions for a day of FA Cup action.
Today, the Magic of the FA Cup faced off against Reality in the third round of the FA Cup. Reality won in a lopsided affair, killing children’s hopes, dreams, and probably JFK in the process.
In one of the day’s “games,” a fake club called Gateshead FC — made up this morning by a sarcastic Brit — was supposedly slain by either West Brom or Swansea City. Upwards of 48 goals were scored and bonus lives were accumulated. Everyone on West Brom or Swansea was Man of the Match, which isn’t particularly shocking as Gateshead doesn’t even have any men on the books. Gateshead can’t even read.
Narnia-based Gateshead lined up with an illiterate yet imposing XI: four dragons at the back, a Bigfoot protecting the back four, and four griffins playing behind a centaur, who played as a target beast. Despite Gateshead fielding a team of mythical creatures, West Brom or Swansea clearly weren’t intimidated, because they don’t believe in magic or fairytales.
Saido Berahino scored four goals, each one swallowed up by the goal monster. Goal monster, a notorious beast from a broken home who gobbles up balls out of boredom, has a reputation for taking and never giving. Although goal monster’s upbringing is partially to blame for his drug habit, players often find it difficult to muster any sympathy for its selfish acts.
That’s probably why Berahino refused to celebrate after his goals. Celebration is acknowledgment, and players are reluctant to give goal monster any satisfaction, lest they provide more fuel for goal monster’s habit.
Gateshead, managed by Nancy Grace, probably, went missing for most of the game, which is how Grace planned it out. Grace makes her money from missing persons. To this day, no one really knows where Gateshead is, and Nancy Grace is still employed.
There’s more Magic of the FA Cup FC versus Reality United tomorrow.