Steven Gerrard may have said all the right things, or he may be another Frank Lampard

I guess you’ve heard by now: Steven Gerrard is going to join Southern California powerhouse club, the LA Galaxy, probably as a midfielder-general type.

The long-time Liverpool captain/heartbeat will be moving on from Anfield at the end of the season for one of those proverbial “new challenges.” This new challenge will involve several million one-dollar bills, palm trees, wonderful Mexican and Korean food, and the option to return home once California runs out of water in a few years. All in all, it’s a good deal for all parties involved: Gerrard gets some much needed sunshine, and Southern California gets another much needed English person to hang out with Warren Barton.

Gerrard spoke exclusively with Liverpool’s in-house channel about where he is, how he’s feeling, what’s the matter, and why he’s seemingly retiring. At least it sounded like Gerrard was retiring. Why else would Gerrard be interviewed about his death in the middle of the Premier League season? Why he couldn’t have done a Thierry Henry “talk to me after the season” move is something I can’t explain.

Liverpool’s twitter account shared some of Gerrard’s quotes. They revealed a few troubling things about the new Galaxy man’s move. Here are some of my favorites and why they should concern MLS fans.

You think? Shouldn’t you know, Steven? That’s kind of like Manuel Pellegrini’s “hope” that Frank Lampard will eventually land in New York, at some point, in some capacity. These aren’t the sounds of full commitment. They’re the sounds of wavering. That’s concerning.

This deal is bound to fail because Gerrard didn’t explicitly say “with absolute certainty” after every sentence and attach all of his receipts. We now have a clear pattern of English people failing to keep their promises to America. We need to stay vigilant.

Or whatever. That could mean anything, including staying at home in bed all day. And if that’s the case, which it may be, Gerrard has just said that he’d give his all to stay in bed all day. That’s concerning. What started out as a conversation with Brendan Rodgers about dropping deeper and deeper into midfield to prolong his career has turned into a conversation about Gerrard moving so far back that he’s going to be playing with Liverpool in FIFA15 from bed. That’s no way to prepare for a move you’re taking seriously.

Let’s walk this slander back.

There are several paranoid possibilities for this quote. First, Gerrard’s slandering every coach he’s worked under since 2005. Here’s the full list of sub-B-Rod people who’ve managed Steven Gerrard since he was 24 not named Brendan Rodgers: Rafa Benitez, Roy Hodgson, and Kenny Dalglish. Bruce Arena will soon be able to add his name to the list. He should be concerned because he is also not Brendan Rodgers.

Second, Gerrard may be suggesting that, since 2005, the only difference between Liverpool not winning trophies and Liverpool winning thousands of trophies is Brendan Rodgers. Gerrard, at his advanced age, may be delusional. Liverpool is in eighth place in the Premier League. If he’d said “Luis” instead of “Brendan,” then maybe. But as it stands, Galaxy fans may need to worry that they’re bringing another crazy person to Los Angeles. We saw what happened with Abel Xavier. We don’t need a repeat of that. Los Angeles doesn’t need more crazy people.

Minutes later, Gerrard was over the line. It was an incredible coincidence. What are the odds that the Liverpool legend lined up a mid-season interview to set up his eventual departure and then, several seconds later, signed for the Galaxy? How do we know for sure that Gerrard actually signed anything? How do we know that the person in that exclusive video was really Gerrard? How do we know if he really loves me? How do we know anything?

This is what happens when you start questioning the nature of a relationship. Basically, we were dating the Lampard-NYCFC story, and then we found out they were lying. Now everyone is a hot paranoid mess, and nothing that happens with “to MLS” news can be trusted.

 

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