Sure thing, Mario. We’d love to guess your terrifying new puppies’ names. Let’s start with …
1. #HardWork and #Dedication – The greatest hashtags of the soccering internet, and two concepts that have special significance to Super Mario. Reporter after reporter will ask Mario if he named them after the ideals he tries to espouse on the soccer field. “No. They’re just dogs.”
2. Pride and Prejudice – A nod to his rocky relationship with Italian fans as well as the time he’s spent in England, where a Mr. Darby fetish is a that heart of every romantic comedy. “Jane Austin’s brilliant, but overrated. It’s why I got two dogs.”
3. Iggy Azalia and Azealia Banks – Mario not only loves controversy but believes he can be a force for peace. Plus there’s no better cure for recording artist beef than adorable house pets, usually adorned in diamonds.
4. José and Brendan – For when Mario’s new pets stop responding to his calls. Mario will go out on to the patio, not pet them for deals, while José and Brendan will look back through the sliding glass window and wonder what’s wrong. Little will they remember that they started this cycle.
5. Colorado and Dallas – With a look to his future. Mario will find his way to MLS, and all the big teams are going to have the Designated Player slots filled. Colorado and Texas will allow him to embrace that second amendment life.
6. Luigi and Toad – In honor of his best friends growing up. In a world of Grand Theft Auto and Assassin’s Creed, the Nintendo cannon is slowly being forgotten. Mario never forgets.
7. Beyoncé and Solange – If the pups are sisters, but one is more aggressive. None will go on to win the Westminster Dog Show while the other is panting for attention at the park. They’ll both have their virtues.
8. Pete Rock and CL Smooth – Sometimes, Mario will just want to reminisce.
9. Spaghetti and Linguini – The dogs are identical, but he’ll feel guilty for getting them mixed up. To close friends and relatives, he’ll swear the difference matter. In private, he’ll stop caring that much.
10. Toothpaste and Orange Juice – Sometimes things can be perfectly fine apart but just don’t mix well. Also, Mario can be kind of random. Let’s hope these names never make sense.