You were naive if you thought Ronaldo was actually going to come out of retirement

Humans like to believe in things. They like to believe in underdogs, in religion, in the fidelity of their spouses, that they have the respect of their peers, and that Ronaldo will make a comeback to play for the Fort Lauderdale Strikers.

Those sweet, trusting, gullible humans are wrong about almost all of these beliefs, and they are especially wrong about Ronaldo’s return. So, in case your adorable capacity for belief included thinking Ronaldo’s half-hearted promises to regain fitness and return for the NASL team he part-owns were anything other than a publicity stunt, please allow me to let you down as softly as I can.

You were wrong. And naive. And an idiot.

If you’ve missed this entire story, let’s rewind.

Back in January, Ronaldo Lima (the Brazilian, chubby one) bought part of the Strikers. Soccer Gods interim co-host Nando Vila presented him, because there are apparently no soccer celebrities in Southern Florida and they got desperate.

In his press conference, Ronaldo obliquely referenced getting back into shape to play again, maybe once the playoffs swung around. This, sane humans quickly realized, was a way to sell season tickets and place international headlines. Ronaldo’s 38. He’s been retired for four years, and has struggled with fitness for much longer than that.

To make it look real, his fitness coach dropped quotes about trying to trick Ronaldo into losing weight without having to work too hard (lest he give up and abandon the project).

Alas, reality is real. Your peers do not respect you. And Ronaldo isn’t playing again.

“There’s a story going round that I am making a comeback, there’s even a hashtag #RonaldoVoltou,” Ronaldo tweeted, as translated by Reuters. “I know nothing about it.”

Voltou means “return”.

“This story about #RonaldoVoltou is just nonsense from the Twitter crowd,” he said.

It’s actually nonsense from his own comments, but I blame others for my lies too, so I can’t really judge here.

Ronaldo is about three tweets away from just using Russell Brand’s “I was going to listen to that, but then, um, I just carried on living my life.”

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