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Man Crush Monday: Settling down with Neymar

Okay, we’ve reached the Champions League semifinals and things are getting a little heated (and not just on my seat). But since Soccer Gods has been accused of being pro-Madrid, it’s really time to throw Barça fans a bone.

Well, hopefully there’s more than one kind of bone involved, because it’s time for another Man Crush Monday – Neymar!

I know, you were probably like, “What about Mr. Shakira, Gerard Piqué?” That’s way too obvious, for one — and Neymar’s appeal is that of, like, a puppy dog who just needs someone to let his inner wolf out.

Buena victoria chavaleeeeees …. Daleeee ! ⚽️⚽️⚽️

A photo posted by Nj 🇧🇷 👻 neymarjr (@neymarjr) on

Let’s look at the raw material: We have a definite interest in grooming – how many hair phases has he gone through by now?

SD Eibar v FC Barcelona - La Liga

We have these great, perma-smiling (if semi-confused) eyes.

Eu sempre fui um sonhador.. e é isso que me mantém vivo! #Racionais 🎵🎶

A photo posted by Nj 🇧🇷 👻 neymarjr (@neymarjr) on

And these lips that are custom-built for kissing – or who knows what else!

Sevilla FC v FC Barcelona - La Liga

Neymar is young and he has the charm of your goofy first teenage boyfriend. Look, here he is Instagramming himself holding a single rose. It would be so basic if he didn’t seem sooo excited and earnest about it!

But anyways, Neymar’s said he’s ready to settle down so let me just say — and this is not at all because he’s one of the best players in the world and also enormously wealthy at a young and limber age – I don’t mind cleaning, and I make a really killer meatloaf.

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