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Here's how the 2015-16 La Liga season in Spain will pan out

Season previews are the worst kind of sports content. They’re so lame. They tell you nothing because we know nothing. It’s part of the beauty of sports that we basically don’t know anything going into something. Soccer is especially difficult because the margins of victory are just much thinner, so unlike baseball or basketball, where over time you can make accurate predictions based on statistical models, in soccer you just can’t.

But since La Liga is always pretty much the last of the leagues to start and since it’s pretty much been all quiet on the Western front for the past few weeks, we’re going to shove some pukey, cliche’d season preview content down your throats.

Brace yourselves because we’re going to tell you EXACTLY what’s going to happen this season in La Liga, in painstaking detail.

August 2015

The season will start in underwhelming fashion for Real Madrid, as the team will stumble out the gates and struggle to score goals. It won’t play poorly per se, but it just won’t overwhelm teams with its firepower. Many a thinkpiece will be written after Madrid’s first three games end up 1-0, 0-0, and 1-1. How can a team with such awesome, shiny, and expensive forwards not be able to score more goals?

Karim Benzema will post an Instagram video of him peeling out in a G-Wagon.

Turfu ! #KB9 – @_meroje

A video posted by Karim Benzema (@karimbenzema) on

Always, but particularly in September 2015

The attention will turn immediately to Gareth Bale’s position on the field. It’s been the story of the preseason at Madrid. People are already starting to wonder what the hell Benitez is doing by playing Bale in the middle even though he clearly has no idea what he’s doing there. The answer of course being that he is just following the club’s orders.

GUANGZHOU, CHINA - JULY 27: Gareth Bale of Real Madrid reacts during the match of International Champions Cup China 2015 between Real Madrid and FC Internazionale at Tianhe Stadium on July 27, 2015 in Guangzhou, China. (Photo by Zhong Zhi/Getty Images)Getty Images

Bale’s agent will complain that Marcelo has been mocking his client in the showers.

August 2015

Barcelona will start the season with an impressive string of results, 3-0s, and 4-1s, but the team won’t dazzle anyone with its play. The press will blame it on the fact that the MSN trio isn’t together yet because Neymar will be out with several weeks with a mysterious infection called mumps, which I’d never heard of before yesterday. This is because, according to my crack medical research team, it’s essentially been eradicated in the first world.

Neymar mumps

Messi and Luis Suarez will continually bail them out after struggling to overwhelm its opponents. The team’s problems will cause Luis Enrique to play both Sergio Busquets and Javier Mascherano together in midfield to make some grand statement about his managerial prowess, and it will backfire tremendously.

September 2015

It will be Atletico de Madrid who earn all the early season plaudits. They’re weirdly more stacked than they’ve ever been. Their signings this season have been very impressive, bringing in Jackson Martinez and Luciano Vietto to compliment the awesome and super sexy Antoine Griezmann up top. Both are excellent players who will bring goals and a lot of class to the attack.

Fernando Torres will post celebratory, exuberant Instagram pictures after each win, despite never starting a single game.

November 2015

Then, sometime around October, Madrid will suffer an injury crisis due to the fact that they have this whole new medical staff that the players hate. Weirdly, the injury crisis will see the team actually improve as it will free Benitez of his presidential obligations when designing the lineups. Madrid will then beat Barcelona in the first Clasico, as Bale will miss the match because of a pulled hammy. This huge victory will allow Madrid to overtake Atleti into second place.

NAPLES, ITALY - MARCH 30:  Rafael Benitez head coach of Napoli celebrates the victory after the Serie A match between SSC Napoli and Juventus at Stadio San Paolo on March 30, 2014 in Naples, Italy.  (Photo by Giuseppe Bellini/Getty Images)Getty Images

Christmas 2015

At the Christmas Break Barca will be in the lead, four points ahead of Madrid. Madrid will be playing slightly better but will still struggle to generate offense. Atleti is only one point back from Madrid after struggling through a few weeks of injury problems to one of their central midfielders, which is their one weak spot in terms of squad depth.

Diego Simeone will consider playing himself, but will decide not to because Atleti’s kit isn’t all black and would therefore mess with the image he’s going for.

Getafe CF v Club Atletico de Madrid - La LigaGetty Images

Spring 2016

As the flowers begin to bloom in spring, Madrid’s squad will get healthy again so the team will play worse. Barcelona’s defensive problems will begin to sort themselves out. They will also settle on Marc-André ter Stegen as the full time starter in goal after getting tired of rotating keepers.

May 2016

Atletico de Madrid will continue hound Madrid’s heels for the second spot, and beat it in both head-to-head matchups. Its campaign will be heroic, and there will be thinkpieces wondering whether Griezmann should be considered in the same conversation as Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, Suarez, Neymar, etc.

Soccergods.com will post a 2,000 word article about Griezmann’s hair.

Club Atletico de Madrid v Bayer 04 Leverkusen - UEFA Champions League Round of 16Getty Images

In the end, Barca will win the title, Atleti will win the Copa del Rey, Real Madrid will barely hang on to second place, and all three will make the Champions League semifinals. Barca will lose to Bayern Munich in the final.

July 2016

After the season Real Madrid will sell Ronaldo back to Manchester United.

Wait, did I just type that out loud???

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